My Experience with Mental Health & Exercise

So the post below is actually one I wrote a few years ago when I was still struggling a lot with my own mental health. I am fortunate that I have been in a fairly good place for a while now, but still have to check in to my behaviour every so often. I wanted to share this post that I wrote below on World Mental Health Day in case it helps one of you today.

Remember always reach out, always talk and never think you’re alone. X

Exercising my Grief

    I'm always very cautious when sharing things about myself. Especially when it comes to mental health and strength. Many of you know through crazy challenges I've done, such as 24hrs of Burpees and the indoor iron man, mental strength and drive is something I have right? Well here's the thing, in certain fitness situations I definitely do. But when I'm actually coping with loss, with life being thrown upside down and my own welfare; I truly have times where I struggle. Below I'll discuss some of my story and how exercise, be it good or bad, has helped me battle through the taboo that is grief.

   Grief is the craziest emotion I've ever encountered. In a poem I once wrote, I described it as a weighted jacket that you get stronger with in time, but you'll then cross a new path and it weighs you down all over again. My grief stems from the loss of my Dad. Back in 2012, he lost his battle to a stage 4 glioblastoma, for those who are lucky enough to not know what that is, a brain tumour. It came out of nowhere some days he'd forget words to end sentences and have a few headaches, then suddenly he collapsed. He lost the ability to walk, feed himself and talk. In short 6 months from the diagnosis he was gone. 

  My Dad, honestly, was a man who until his death I feel I didn't know. It's what I think made my grief harder. I remembered times when I was 12 and thought it was okay to not hug him when my friends were around. I remember wishing I could spend Christmas with my mum and not dad (parents were divorced), I also wished  sometimes as a child my dad would just go away. Basically, I had/have regrets. 

  I was at university when he died. I was lost. University had a clever way of keeping me in a bubble and keeping reality out. I ended up trying to cope by throwing myself into exercise to a point where it became an unhealthy obsession. In my head it wasnt a big deal. I didn't think it was a problem like anorexia or self harm. But then I realised, it was a control mechanism for me and now? To a degree it still is! It's why every year I feel I must do something in his memory. By training for something I'm able to control my mind and focus on something. I'm afraid that if I stop exercising, if I rest for too long I'll lose myself. Now, I have been working on ways to combat this by finding other hobbies to distract myself so I don't totally self destruct. 

What am I trying say? I'm saying that in one sense exercise and the community feel of exercise has saved me from myself many times. It has also become a great tool to help me. On the flip side, it has many times become and addiction and even now, I continually need to learn my body's limit. I'm used to pushing it but must remember to not use it as a punishment. To learn that, as much as pounding the pavements and lifting heavy shit helps me; that eating whole jars of Nutella helps my denial; actually talking and opening up to people should also be top of the list. 7years on I'm still learning coping mechanisms, the beginning of 2017 taught me this and I'm still learning about myself-it's a process. A wise owl reminded me, grief has no time frame.

   So this post is for those of you who are struggling at the moment. When life deals you shit cards remember to use the resources around you. If you haven't already, find something to help: from those around you, to a fitness class, books or even support groups. Remember talking and sharing your issues makes us all human. I hope me sharing today has helped someone out there.

Much Love & stay strong amigos 

❤️

Here are some charities to reach out to:

@mindcharity

@headstogether

headstogether.org.uk

mind.org.uk